A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference!

I just had a great first session with a new client. This mom’s biggest frustration right now is that her two children (11 and 9) “do not listen.” Once she shared that her daughter has an auditory processing disorder, and realized that most of her instructions are in spoken word only, she had an ah-ha moment. Love it! It never dawned on her that her daughter was simply not processing the information the way it was being delivered. Now she is going to be using eye contact on a regular basis, ensuring that the communication is getting through, and that they are connecting. Yay!

With her son, he has ADHD, and is unable to handle more than one task at a time. The task she gave him was “clearing his plate from the table.” In reality, because she wanted him to clear off the food and put it in the dishwasher, she was asking him to do four tasks: (1) pick up the plate, (2) go to the sink, (3) clear off the food, and (4) put it in the dishwasher. He never got to the dishwasher, and was always in trouble for that. She is now going to work with him on truly making it one thing at a time. She can build from there.

There are so many reasons your kids may not be listening. Assume the best. Assume they would “if they could.” Is the message getting through? Are they  understanding what you want? Do they hear you? Are they able to do the task at hand? Those are some great questions to start with. Come from a place of curiosity, of wanting to understand. It makes a huge difference.

Enjoy your day!

[Traci Carman is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference. Join our free monthly Q&A calls. To get more information and to register, visit us at www.alovingway.com/monthlycall.]

Lately, we’ve been having what I call “Groundhog Day mornings.” Do you remember the movie “Groundhog Day”? Well, our mornings are not working, and yet we keep doing the same thing. Ever been there? It’s almost like watching yourself and your family, and thinking, “Hmmm … this isn’t working, and they (all of us) are still doing it. Why?”

Well, as I’ve noticed it’s not working, my mind is working hard at problem-solving. I’m looking at where the glitches are, where possible solutions can be found, who the dilly-dally members are, and where the change needs to begin. After all, it’s a process to implement change, or at least to get really clear on where that change needs to start. And, when there are several people involved (such as in a family), communication is key.

These are my recommendations, if you are experiencing Groundhog Day:
1) Point out to those involved that the result you are getting is not what you want. (and clarify that it’s not what they want)
2) Start “watching” what’s not working from a place of curiosity. Don’t get upset and yell; simply “wonder” and be “curious” … “hmmm … what do we need to change?”
3) Get the other family members on the same page. Communication is essential.
4) Implement little changes here and there, to see how they impact the overall flow. Tweak as you go.
5) Keep backing up until you get to the place where the real trouble starts. (i.e. if you’re late for school, look at when everyone is getting up, what can be done at night to ease the morning, is everyone getting enough sleep, when are they going to bed, when is dinner, homework, when are sports ending, etc. etc.).
6) Talk about what you think needs to be changed. Ask for ideas. Look for ways to implement as a team.

There are several ways to approach it. I suggest curiosity and teamwork. Stress, yelling and control will backfire … usually in the teen years.

Hope this helps. Remember, your children are constantly growing and changing. That means every day can bring change. Grow with your children. It will be a much easier and more enjoyable journey. And everyone benefits.

(Traci Carman is a parenting coach, speaker and author. Sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com. A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference.)