A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference!

When my kids started asking me this question, I was in a real quandary. I didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas, so I had no idea how to handle this question. After all, I had never asked it.

I knew children who had believed in Santa, and then the shocking news showed up one year when their parents informed them that he was not real. Their parents were afraid the kids would be made fun of at school, if they still believed in Santa.

I also knew children who were told that Santa was real by their parents for the longest time, and one day their friends told them he wasn’t. The kids actually wondered why their parents would tell them he was real, when he wasn’t. They believed their friends.

Personally, I wanted to do it another way. I wanted to preserve the innocence and imagination of my children. At the same time, I wanted to continue building trust and truth within our relationship.

What I chose to do was very simple. Here are some tips that might be useful:

1. Ask your children what they think about Santa being real or not (only if they are asking you this question ~ do not rush it). Where are they coming from? That would be helpful to know. Sometimes it just pops into their head, and other times it is spurred on by friends. It would be good to know why they are asking.

2. Share stories from your childhood that would speak to this subject. Since I didn’t celebrate Christmas as a child, I shared that I hadn’t been taught that Santa was real, and why. I shared what I saw in my friends’ experiences of being told that he was real when they were young, and that he wasn’t real when they were older. And then I shared where I was right then. They loved hearing the stories.

3. Share with your children that everyone has a different belief and experience of Santa. There are numerous perspectives. Let them know that they get to choose what they want to believe, and they can change it any time they wish. This way you are not misleading them, and you are not bursting their bubble.

4. Then, allow them to explore (if and when they choose) the various stories and beliefs related to Santa. If each parent shares their story, that’s two perspectives. What about grandma and grandpa? Cartoons have a perspective. Friends have perspectives. Let them explore and figure it out for themselves. They’ll do a little exploring and then get bored. That’s okay. They’ll ask again.

5. Avoid giving them a “yes” or “no” answer. Is there really such an answer? Are we talking about Santa literally? Figuratively? Let them discover what Christmas and Santa means to them as an individual. And know that this will be an ongoing conversation for years. I just meet my kids where they are each year, and we all compare notes. They get lots of new perspectives as they mature, and it creates a lot of freedom, trust and inner connection.

You see, this is part of the Magic of Christmas. And this is part of the guidance that parents provide. We give our children many perspectives in life, and let them choose what fits for them. This breeds confidence, self-esteem and acceptance of individuality.

I waited over 20 years to have the magical experience of Christmas. I choose to share that magic with my children, and to allow them to create whatever they want to create around Christmas for themselves. We are practical and simple, and we share abundance of love. What is the Magic of Christmas in your family?

Wishing you and your family a most joyous Holiday Season!

[Traci Carman is an expert on parenting. To sign up for her free parenting newsletter, go to www.alovingway.com. A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference]

Lately, we’ve been having what I call “Groundhog Day mornings.” Do you remember the movie “Groundhog Day”? Well, our mornings are not working, and yet we keep doing the same thing. Ever been there? It’s almost like watching yourself and your family, and thinking, “Hmmm … this isn’t working, and they (all of us) are still doing it. Why?”

Well, as I’ve noticed it’s not working, my mind is working hard at problem-solving. I’m looking at where the glitches are, where possible solutions can be found, who the dilly-dally members are, and where the change needs to begin. After all, it’s a process to implement change, or at least to get really clear on where that change needs to start. And, when there are several people involved (such as in a family), communication is key.

These are my recommendations, if you are experiencing Groundhog Day:
1) Point out to those involved that the result you are getting is not what you want. (and clarify that it’s not what they want)
2) Start “watching” what’s not working from a place of curiosity. Don’t get upset and yell; simply “wonder” and be “curious” … “hmmm … what do we need to change?”
3) Get the other family members on the same page. Communication is essential.
4) Implement little changes here and there, to see how they impact the overall flow. Tweak as you go.
5) Keep backing up until you get to the place where the real trouble starts. (i.e. if you’re late for school, look at when everyone is getting up, what can be done at night to ease the morning, is everyone getting enough sleep, when are they going to bed, when is dinner, homework, when are sports ending, etc. etc.).
6) Talk about what you think needs to be changed. Ask for ideas. Look for ways to implement as a team.

There are several ways to approach it. I suggest curiosity and teamwork. Stress, yelling and control will backfire … usually in the teen years.

Hope this helps. Remember, your children are constantly growing and changing. That means every day can bring change. Grow with your children. It will be a much easier and more enjoyable journey. And everyone benefits.

(Traci Carman is a parenting coach, speaker and author. Sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com. A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference.)

I just went to an amazing workshop over the weekend, and learned about communication cycles. Of course, parenting being my passion, I looked for how to use this with my children and clients. Over the course of the weekend, it became very clear to me that we do not complete our communication cycles with our children much of the time. And, even worse, we do not allow them to complete theirs. What I mean by this is, communication is a three-part process: (1) I have a thought I want to convey, (2) I find the best way I can convey the thought and INTEND on the other person actually REALLY getting it; (3) the other person receives it and lets me know.

How often do we have a thought we want to convey to our kids (something we want them to do or change or know), and our communication to them is unclear? We don’t actually take the time to look in their eyes, connect with their heart, and make sure they receive what we are wanting to share. And by receiving, I mean receiving our love in the thought … getting who we are in the sharing. And, how often do we not complete that cycle with a confirmation that our communication was received?

All of those “incomplete” cycles are left floating around in our minds. Talk about clutter!

So, in your next communication with your child, take these steps:

1) Make sure they are available (able and willing) to hear you.
2) Make sure your HEART is open. No one can feel your heart and really “get” you when you are closed.
3) Have a CLEAR thought you want to convey.
4) INTEND that they receive your thought AND your heart.
5) Be willing to clarify, summarize and repeat until they understand. (If they don’t understand, it is incomplete.)
6) Make sure you get a confirmation from them (nod, thank you, I got it, I understand, etc.).

THEN you are able to start another communication cycle. Give them an opportunity to share what is so for them, giving them the same attention, listening, and opportunity to get their ideas across.

Try it. See how many communication cycles you can complete, and notice how that feels!

[Traci Carman is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way, How I Parent Makes a Difference. She is known for her practical and intuitive parenting style. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter today: www.alovingway.com.]

Gratitude is an amazing thing. It does something inside of us, that very few things can do. Many times, parents wish their children would be more grateful.

Ask yourself: Is it about not giving them everything? Making them work for what they want? Making sure they see what others do not have? Teaching them to share? These are some of the strategies I have seen parents use in order to teach gratitude.

As I was giving this some thought, the answer, in my opinion, became quite simple: the experience of feeling grateful is what creates gratitude.

Gratitude is about having a true and authentic experience of being grateful.

Here are three ideas that you can use with your children to nurture gratitude:

#1: In the morning, start your day with sharing what you are grateful for. It could be a good night sleep, sunshine, rain, friends we get to see, a favorite cartoon, our favorite teacher, the home we live in, food to eat, health, family, a pet, a game, a book, the weekend, sleeping in, etc. Each person can share 1-3 things to start creating the habit of looking for things to feel grateful for.

#2: At dinner, have everyone share what their gratitudes or appreciations are for the day. We do that every night in our home, and it’s a great way to see what is important to your children, as well as to nurture gratitude in their hearts. They also get to see what happens in your day, and what is important to you as well. Again, it’s about getting into the habit of looking for, and expressing, gratitude. What we focus on expands.

#3: At bedtime, invite your children to share three things they were grateful for today. You share too. If your children enjoy writing, offer for them to keep a gratitude journal. Writing things down (especially gratitudes) is very powerful.

Pick one of these activities and just make it fun. You also want to make it informal. Do not press your children for gratitudes; it defeats the whole purpose. And, feel free to give them ideas if they are struggling to think of something. New habits take practice. The habit of gratitude, when nurtured daily, grows pretty quickly. You are planting seeds and fertilizing the soil with consistency and love.

Enjoy creating a grateful family. Happy Thanksgiving!

Traci Carman is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference. She is known for her practical and intuitive parenting style. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.

Parents are not perfect, and yet many times I think we hold beliefs that we “should” be. Do your kids a favor and let them know that you know you are not perfect. Otherwise, (1) they are in constant inner conflict, because they don’t believe you; and (2) you set them up to have beliefs that they should be perfect (or pretend to be) when they are parents. Neither of these is healthy.

When you make a mistake, apologize. Yesterday, my two youngest (10 and 13) and I went to Costco. We picked up a pizza to bring home, and planned on watching a great Halloween movie after homework.

My daughter decided she wanted to be in charge of the pizza. She’s our 10 year old. Long story short, she got sidetracked with reading in the backseat, and the pizza ended up on the floor. Ughhhh….

Do you think she probably felt bad enough? Probably. However, I was disappointed, and frustrated, and didn’t handle it very well. Actually, I have a lot more patience, usually, than I had yesterday. I was upset with her, and didn’t have a lot of compassion for how she would already be feeling. Makes me sad just to think about it.

I took some time out for myself. Then I shared with her that I was sorry for how I behaved with her. She was still working through her “stuff” about the whole ordeal, so we didn’t quite get to the warm fuzzies at that point. But, I wanted her to know that I owned my part, and I was sorry for how I handled it. I knew we would visit it again before the night was over.

When I could tell she was in a place to talk, we sat down, and “heart to heart” (important) I shared with her what I was not proud of in myself. I wanted her to know that parents are not perfect, AND it’s a good thing to go back and clean things up. She ended up apologizing for her part as well, in letting go of her responsibility. We hugged. We connected. Friends again.

If we don’t clean up our blunders, we create wounds. This is also how disrespect is created in our children. When they are teens, all of the muck that we didn’t clean up … comes out. Not fun. More on that another time.

If you have something to clean up, make sure you’re heart-to-heart, and it’s okay not to be perfect.

Have a great day!

Blessings,
Traci

[Traci Carman has been a Mom for 23 years. She is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference, and is known for her practical parenting approach. Sign up for the free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.]

Consistency in parenting is hugely important. The reason I even mention this is because I am working on my consistency (starting today) at blogging. When something is a learning curve for us, we tend to put it off to the end of the day. And, then we push it off to tomorrow. Weeks can go by without getting that one thing done.

However, if we do just a little bit, and meet ourselves where we are, it’s amazing what we can accomplish.

So, I am committing to blogging at least weekly, and hopefully more often than that.

How about you? What will you commit to in your parenting journey?

If you can pick up just ONE new thing a week to implement, and use it every day for a week, that would be enough to shift quite a lot.

Take a look at our articles. They may help get you started. (www.alovingway.com/articles)

Happy Parenting!!

Traci

[Traci Carman has been a Mom for 23 years. She is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference, and is known for her practical parenting approach. Sign up for the free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.]

I was just reading some blog and forum posts this morning where moms are talking about ignoring their kids in order to elicit better behavior. Hmmm … In these particular posts, we are talking about 3 and 4 years olds. That really makes me sad. I shared what I could there, and I thought I would also post some thoughts here, in case anyone else is struggling with what to do when the kids are acting out.

It’s really …. REALLY …. important to figure out WHY a child is acting out. Is there a new baby in the house? Have you moved? Are there money challenges that are affecting the stress level at home? Have they started pre-school? Did a friend move away? Is dad deployed? Is it a single parent home? There are so many questions that can be asked. The answers will help to uncover where things changed for your child. Why are they doing what they are doing? Do they need MORE attention, not less? (Not that you want to “reward” negative behavior, but you do want them to know that you hear their cry for help.) There is a reason they are acting out.

While you can do things to MAKE your children change their behavior – a lot of times, you are not solving the problem. Do you know when the problem will surface again? In the teen years, if not sooner. Ouch!

You’ve got to invest the time into understanding your child in their early years, or pay back will come with a vigor later on. And, it’s not that they intend to do that. It’s simply that they have hurt feelings, which turns into anger, which gets stuffed down, and HAS to come out at some point in their lives. When a physical wound festers, it gets infected. It’s painful. And it’s harder to resolve. It’s the same with emotional wounds. You don’t want them to fester.

Assume your child is innocent. Learn to communicate with them. You are teaching them that they can trust you. Consider it a brainstorming session. Teach them to understand their feelings, and learn how to express them in an effective way. Their age will dictate how you do this; you can’t get around that. But, ignoring them … that just teaches them that they are alone, they are unlovable (unless they act a certain way), and prevents them from truly knowing who they are. No one is immune from feeling disappointment, sadness, anger, as well as happiness and excitement, etc. We can’t just expect our children to know how to act un-mad when they FEEL mad. Our job in parenting is to help them.

So, ask yourself:
What is my child doing that isn’t working?
Has anything changed recently?
How much time have we been spending together?
Is that different than it used to be?
How can I help? (with love, not anger)

[Traci Carman, A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference. Traci is a parenting coach, speaker and author. For more information, or to schedule a coaching session, contact Traci at 800-647-1171 or tracicarman@alovingway.com. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.]

If all we did today, was feel gratitude and peace within us, we would impact the lives of many children through our energy and love. (Traci Gaffney, 800-647-1171, www.alovingway.com)

Kids grow up fast. We think we have 18 years with our kids at home, and we tend to spread our love, energy and time accordingly. However … have you ever noticed that kids start getting a life of their own much sooner than 18 years old? They start wanting to be with their friends and doing their own thing starting years earlier. We don’t really have 18 years with our kids before they move on; we have more like 12.

So, what I would like to share with you today is the value of embracing every stage in the relationship you have with each of your children. If you are at the stage of sleepless nights and changing diapers, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a time in your life when you will actually get some sleep and not be changing diapers any more. If you spend this time wanting that to come faster, you will actually miss this part of the journey. This is a time when asking for support from friends and family is essential, so you can be fully present for your little one.

For those of you who have an active toddler who runs and talks and asks questions and bubbles over with excitement constantly … rejoice! Yes, it can be tiring, and yes it can seem like forever. However … one day that will be gone too, and the innocence and childlike wonder that you see in your child during these years … that will change. Savor it. Find a way to get your tank filled in other ways, so that you can be there to truly enjoy being present as your child explores his/her world in this way.

If you are a parent who is already experiencing a child who prefers time with friends, simply accept that this is where you are in your journey together, and embrace those pockets of time when your child does still want to be with you. They are finding their individuality. It’s not personal. You can support their growth and individuality, while still being close. It is important that you stay very present to your child at this age. You will need to create guidelines and be the “parent,” while still giving them room to spread their wings. It can be a tricky dance. Awareness and being a conscious parent will make all the difference in the world.

If your child has already reached the point where they are off doing their own thing, and you think you missed something in the previous years … stop where you are and breathe. Ask yourself, “How can I be present NOW?”

The whole point of this article is to share that no matter where you are in the journey of raising your children, you always have now, and you always will. Start as early as possible to connect, to appreciate, and to enjoy the blessings and the gifts of each age ~ no matter how challenging that particular age is. Each stage comes with gifts. And, know that it is never too late to connect with your child ~ never.

My oldest son is 20 years old this month … Happy Birthday Anthony! He started breaking away at 12 years old, and at 14 he was fully in gear for separation from mom. I held tightly when needed, and let go when appropriate. There have been times when I missed my “little guy,” and there were times when I was filled with joy that my son was growing into a man. It’s all good. It’s about being human. This is what being a parent is all about.

The good news … at age 20, who do you think Anthony calls when his prized Bearded Dragon has a baby? Mom! Yippee! Oh, the joys of motherhood.

We are here to love our children, to nurture them, walk with them, let them go, and be there at every turn of their journey in life. Sometimes they will need us more than others. The best thing to do in order to savor the journey, and also to create a lasting, deep relationship, is to be present every day, every week, every month. We never stop being a mom/dad. We never stop being the hub that they can call home. We never leave their heart, and they never leave ours.

What can you do today to appreciate your child in their beauty and their challenge? Ask yourself that question every day, and before you know it, when your child is grown (and it comes very quickly), you will realize that you were there for every step of the way, and didn’t miss a thing! Congratulations! This is true parenthood.

Traci Gaffney is an expert on parenting and pregnancy. To sign up for her free parenting newsletter, go to www.alovingway.com. You can contact Traci directly at tracigaffney@alovingway.com or 800-647-1171.

March 2009 Newsletter

This month’s article is entitled “A Great Parent is a Great Listener.” I hope you enjoy it! http://www.alovingway.com/articles/parent_great_listener.htm

March is a special month for me because it is my birthday month! Yippee!!

Three years ago, five days before my birthday, I lost a very dear person in my life … my mother. She died suddenly and I was devastated. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. It felt as though the umbilical cord of life’s energy had been cut, and I felt every single thing.

My mom had the most beautiful heart and was a wonderful mom and grandma. When March 3rd rolls around each year, my kids and I take some time to talk about “Grandma Pat” and what we miss, what we enjoyed, and how important love and togetherness are.

I was fortunate enough to have the foresight to spend quality time with my mom at every opportunity, because I knew she would one day be gone. Somehow I was gifted with not taking her life for granted. I am so thankful for that gift in my life. We had many cherished moments before she died.

Each of us will eventually be that mom or dad who is leaving our child(ren) behind ~ whether our children are grown or still young.

I suggest asking yourself the following questions, and making whatever adjustments you feel are appropriate …

If I died today, what would I wish I had done with my kids?

What would I wish I had said?

What would I wish I had written for them?

Do they know ~ do they actually HEAR it from me, and EXPERIENCE it from me ~ how much I love them? (In their language of love?)

Do I take time to understand who they are?

Find your curiosity. Learn about this person who has been gifted to you in your parenting life. There is a reason each of your children is in your life. There is a reason you are in theirs.

Take the time today to love them ~ in their way.

Some day they will have to say goodbye to you. Give them the gift of no regrets.

Spend time walking, talking and connecting.

Show them who YOU are so they can share stories about you with their children and grandchildren.

Leave a legacy of love and connection, openness and authenticity, and teach your children how to do the same.

Our children need us to be present for them while we are alive. They need us to connect, to share, to guide, and to listen.

May many blessings be showered upon you and your family.

Namaste’

Traci

Traci Gaffney is a Parenting and Pregnancy Coach, Speaker and Author. She can reached at 800-647-1171 or tracigaffney@alovingway.com. Visit www.alovingway.com today!