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Apr 01
Happy Spring! With all of the cold weather and frost we have had this winter, I think we all appreciate Spring even more than usual. In my yard, I am so happy to see plants that I thought might not make it, actually growing buds. As my kids and I would say, “Thank you, Mr. Sunshine!” This month I have chosen to write about adoption. I realize it is sort of a taboo subject. I just want to create more awareness and open thinking as to some of the gifts we can give to these babies who are waiting to transition to a new family. The choice for adoption is very personal and does not come easily for families. It is made with the baby’s well-being in mind. My heart goes out to the birth families, the adoptive families, and the babies. I have some friends who were adopted as babies, and I also have a friend who gave up her baby for adoption many years ago. I know the pain that comes with these choices from many different perspectives. I also know that these choices are made in love. Unfortunately, my research has shown that birthmothers are often supported in not bonding with their baby during pregnancy, in order to make it easier for them to let go after birth. It is called “the grey area.” Until now, the intention has been to support the birthmother in taking care of herself and her baby physically, and finding a loving home for the baby, putting the emotions, connection and love on hold until after birth. This is a huge missing for the baby. I cannot stress enough how detrimental this is. A woman carrying a baby is already a mother. Turning off her feelings does not change that fact. And can she really turn her feelings off? Isn’t she, in actuality, just pretending, reacting out of fear? It hurts the baby and actually hurts the mother as well. She is carrying a child that she loves so much that she would rather share this baby, than to take a chance on creating a lesser life for him. That is love! And to not feel free to express that love is fear. Fear is the opposite of love. What message is actually being sent to the baby? The baby needs to feel the love of his mother. He needs to be allowed to connect to this loving and wonderful person who has his best interests at heart. And the mother needs to be able to feel the experience of being the best mother she can be, even if that only lasts for those nine months in the womb. That love will go with this baby for his entire life, and there is nothing more grounding, validating and loving that she could EVER do for him. Knowing she gave him this gift is her gift to herself as well. Anything less than connection and honesty about “what is” between the mother and baby is detrimental. It’s that simple. By not connecting and bonding, a mother risks saying to her child, “I don’t care. I don’t notice you.” It’s simply not true. The question is not “Can we risk bonding?” The question is “How can we support this bond? How can we grow this baby in truth and love? How do we honor the needs of the baby and mother? And, how can the adoptive parents be part of this process and bond with this baby before birth so that he feels connected in the transition?” It’s absolutely possible. It’s absolutely essential.
If you are in the adoption field and would be willing to explore pilot programs in this arena, please contact me. I would also love to hear from any birthmothers and/or adoptive families who would like to explore this area. In 50 years, we will look back and be appalled at how we treated our babies in utero. Prenatal bonding in adoption will be the standard, just like good nutrition is. It’s that important!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Prenatal Bonding and Adoption Neighbors Newspaper, April 2007 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
The month of March has always been special for me, as this is my birthday month! As some of you may recall, however, last year in this beautiful month of March, my mother passed away. Yes, it has already been a year; how fast time goes by. In considering what I might choose to write about this month, the topic of Celebration came to me. In the context of my birthday, that topic is obvious. However, making that work in light of it also being the anniversary of my mom’s passing, that made me unsure. I realized why the word Celebration came to me, though. It is because I celebrated and enjoyed my mom while she was here. I didn’t miss “the moment.” I wasn’t too busy. And that is a saving grace for me. It was a gift from heaven to be sure. It just happened for us that we made it a priority to spend time together. Every month we put a weekend aside and would enjoy a sleepover, fun little shopping sprees, dinner out, watching an old movie, playing cards, looking at old photo albums. Sometimes I would bring my kids, one at a time, for quality grandma and mom time. Were those special moments! I shared every little thing that happened in my life with joy and excitement. My mom was my absolute best cheerleader! She was able to be my cheerleader because I took the time to share with her, to be with her, and to have fun with her. We lived an hour and a half away from each other, and we made that work beautifully. Who would you like to be a cheerleader for? Who is your cheerleader in life? Celebrate with them. Celebrate for the mere fact that you can! What kind of relationship do you have with your parents, your kids, your siblings, your best friend, your partner? How much would you miss them if they were gone tomorrow, next week or next year? What is it you would miss? Well, guess what? You have THAT today! Celebrate it! Embrace them! Enjoy every moment. You don’t have to get together every week to do that. Feel gratitude for what you have in front of you right now. Savor the moments. Nurture the relationships. What a gift! There is no need for regrets. In the hustle and bustle of life, no matter who we are or what we do, we all get busy. There is “soccer season,” “holiday season,” “summer season,” and every other season under the sun, all of which bring us busy-ness. And yet, where is the “celebration” in all of this? Even the holidays are not a season of celebration for many people any more. I believe that our biggest regrets tend to be those things in life that we did not do. So celebrate! Laugh. Love. Live. Make a list of those people who are near and dear to your heart, and call them right now. Set a date on the calendar so you can have moments of wonder, delight and joy. Those moments turn into hours, months and years, and those are the memories that live on forever.
There is so much to be said about investing in the heart and celebrating life. Find out what that is for you, and create a life of celebrations for you and your family.
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Celebrate Neighbors Newspaper, March 2007 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
Well, here we are again in the month of February, typically known as the Month of Love. This month I am excited to share some ideas with you about taking time to love the babies that we carry in our bodies during pregnancy. So often we are busy with all of the things we have to do in our lives, that we do not realize these little ones want and need love, recognition and attention as well. Their needs in utero include much more than food and physical growth.
As you ponder Valentine’s Day and you think about sharing love with your spouse, children, friends and family, remember this little one inside. The entire family can share love with this youngest sibling. It is the most fun!
What moms can do: take just five minutes to sit down and focus your attention on your baby. (I realize this can be more difficult with younger children already running about. It is worth it to be creative and ask for support so that you can do this for yourself and your unborn baby.) Talk to your baby, rub your tummy, and simply say ~ and most importantly, feel ~ I love you. Take note of the response that you feel ~ both within your body and that of your baby.
Babies are very aware of their world in utero. They very much want love and attention, which is connection and safety to them. The fact that they cannot cry or use words to tell us does not make it any less true. Their movements are communication. And when they know that you are communicating back, they are so HAPPY! Want a happy baby after birth? Let them know that the world outside is a wonderful, responsive, loving, communicative place to be. Give them attention. They will be born with that expectation, as this will be the only experience they have had ~ loving and responsive communication.
Dads and siblings can also talk to baby, touch baby (poking the little feet as they bulge out of mommy’s tummy), giggle with baby, and just think about baby. We are all energy. Energy is connected. Baby feels it all! Baby loves it all! And look at how much fun it is for your children to be able to give that kind of love.
When you think about love, think about how you can share it also with your unborn baby. It will make a profound difference in his/her life, and in yours. An excellent book to read is Prenatal Parenting by Frederick Wirth, M.D. Investing in your unborn baby is truly one of the most important and life enhancing gifts you can ever give to another human being. It will come back to you (and bless your baby) many times over in the course of his/her journey through life.
May you enjoy the wonderful experience of sharing love with your family ~ including the little ones not yet seen.
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Love Breaks ~ Loving Your Unborn Baby Neighbors Newspaper, February 2007 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
Happy New Year! Can you believe we are in 2007?! Wow!
Since we are coming off of a two-week break from school, and since kids can tend to squabble a little during breaks, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk about sibling rivalry.
When kids are fighting, arguing and just simply not getting along, it creates a rough time for all. Generally, we usually tell them to “get along or don’t play together.” Sound familiar?
Here is some food for thought …
- What if sibling rivalry was nothing more than an opportunity to learn?
- What if arguing with our siblings was “practice?”
- What if mom and/or dad (or grandma or another caretaker) could utilize those opportunities to teach communication skills?
As children grow up, they realize more and more how different they are from other people. This is actually a good thing ~ having their own identity. When children are very young and realize it for the first time, they get really excited about this. It’s actually fun to watch this discovery phase in their life.
When kids are fighting over things, many times it’s just their lack of really getting that the world doesn’t revolve around them and there are other people who have needs and wants too. They don’t fight to get on our nerves. They don’t fight to be mean. The problem is that they simply haven’t developed the skill set for creating win/win situations yet. They think in terms of win/lose. That’s where the “opportunity” shows up. We get to teach these communication skills to our children!
The next time your kids are fighting about something, sit down (at eye level) with them. Let them know you are there to help them resolve this challenge. Give each of them an opportunity to share their side of the story. What is their truth? Once you have heard both sides, point out that there is no right or wrong; there are just differences. Explain that the key is “HOW do we make it a win/win?” Be creative. Teaching kids the “how to” about communication in childhood allows them to tap into their empathy, compassion, forgiveness, love, giving, and receiving ~ EARLY in their lives. There are so many benefits to gently walking children through this process of communication.
When you stop for a minute, regroup, and sit down to listen to your kids and support them in growing through this process, you will be AMAZED at what you see. I have done this with my own children for years and have found that it is truly a gift for them to learn these skills. It is also a gift for US to watch this miracle occur, of empowering children in this way!
May you have much fun with your children in this New Year!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Sibling Rivalry Neighbors Newspaper, January 2007 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
My absolute favorite holiday is Christmas! Growing up, we did not celebrate Christmas, and I realize that has given me a huge gift! The gift is this: as I began in my adult years to celebrate this holiday, and had such a wonderful, joyful experience of doing so, I noticed that a lot of adults were not having as much fun! It seemed as though the hustle and bustle, figuring out gifts, getting trees, hanging lights, all created a “chore” out of Christmas. It became stressful and the fun disappeared.
What was different for me was that I was experiencing Christmas from a child’s perspective. It was new for me. It was something I had dreamed of, and wanted when I was a child, but couldn’t have. Now I had it! The lights, the excitement, the colors ~ it was magical! To have that experience as an adult, to be so innocent and excited ~ that was so much fun!!
When we grow up, maybe we get “real” about Christmas and that’s where it loses its magic. It becomes a chore, another thing to do, rather than an experience to be had. I remember the year when it started feeling burdensome to me. I asked myself, “Why am I not having as much fun this year?” I realized it was because it was not so “new” and it was becoming “work” rather than “play.” I made a conscious choice not to let that happen! There is no reason to lose the fun and excitement of Christmas! It simply doesn’t have to be that way.
I would like to offer you a gift. If you can, sit down when you are done reading this article, and close your eyes. Remember back to one of your favorite and most fun memories of Christmas as a child. Get in touch with the feelings of excitement, fun and absolutely uncontainable joy. Just feel what that feels like. Breathe. If you haven’t hung your lights, put up your tree, or shopped, or whatever else you think you “need” to do, see how you can do that from your child perspective, the place of fun, excitement and joy. Can you do it with your kids? Can you get excited about surprising someone with a special gift? What about making gifts this year? What can you do to recreate the magic for yourself? Ask your kids what makes Christmas magical for them. What makes Christmas magical for you? Make a point to include at least some of that in your holiday this year!
This is the end of the year. We have been working, building and creating for 11 months. Now that we have some time off from school, and hopefully some time off from work, let’s take a moment to touch the magic of the lights, the spirit of giving, and the attitude of gratitude that we have this time to be together. Are there people in your life that were here last year and are now gone (moved, passed away, or your relationship simply changed)? Thank them in your heart for their contribution to your life. Wish them well. Breathe. Absorb the moments that are ending this year, and setting the foundation for next year. Enjoy your kids. Savor the moments. This is the only year Christmas will be experienced this way, at these ages, with these experiences. Every year will be new and different. Will you teach your children to savor these magical moments, or will they grow to resent the work that it takes to create them? Just a thought.
Love is all that is real. Regardless of our differences in religion and/or ways of life, love is something that is consistent and real. Make that, and gratitude, your focus, and your life will absolutely be beautiful.
Merry Christmas! May Santa bring you many hugs and much love this season!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Ahhh, It’s Christmas! Neighbors Newspaper, December 2006 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
In January of this year, I wrote about gratitude and keeping a journal, as a family, of the things that we are thankful for each month of the year. When my mother passed away in March, I must say that my train went off the tracks and my gratitude journal each month has not been as consistent as I had originally anticipated. As I am contemplating the month of November, the month of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be a great time to rekindle the attitude of gratitude in our family. So, this month, I would like to encourage families to keep a piece of paper (colored construction paper works best for us) on or near the table where your family eats their meals, and to spend a few minutes over dinner (or breakfast) writing down the things that each of you has in your life that you feel grateful for. In our house, sometimes it’s the hamsters or the trampoline, a favorite dinner, a friend at school, a new toy, a day off from school, even the wind, the sound of the leaves in the trees, a beautiful colorful backyard, peace and quiet, time together, a warm blanket, and the list goes on and on. I am amazed when my kids appreciate nature and those simple things in life that can so easily go unnoticed. The sound that leaves make when blowing in the wind ~ that came from my kids!
Gratitude is a VERY powerful tool in life. It is easy, and yet it is just as easy to forget. If you can create a means by which to include it in every day, the sky is the limit in what you can create! I hear stories about gratitude and the benefits of feeling and expressing it every single day. Even just the feeling in your heart, in your whole body, when you share these things with your family ~ it’s like communion with God. I don’t think there are many things more beautiful than sharing love and gratitude with others, and especially your children.
So, that would be my thoughts for the month of November. See how many things in your life you are grateful for. My kids have gotten to the point where they go on and on and on, they are so excited to fill the sheet! They are getting such an education in the little things in life, which are some of the most impactful and important things at the end of the day.
May your Thanksgiving be filled with gratitude and love, warmth and family, blessings and peace. I look forward to experiencing the warm glow as our world is brightened by all of the gratitude that we will be sharing this holiday season!
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
A Month of Giving Thanks Neighbors Newspaper, November 2006 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
You might wonder if these two words even look right next to each other. Anyone who has school age children and lives in California is now aware of the fact that the State of California has changed the Wellness Policy (nutrition standards) for every school in the State. That’s quite a statement! They are recognizing the overall poor state of health of children.
Personally, I was thrilled to hear the news. I am an advocate for children’s health and I couldn’t be happier that California is paving the way for a healthier America!
Writing a column about nutrition and health during the month of October, when Halloween is at the top of the list, is an interesting undertaking. The good news is that it works! The reason: we all want our children to be happy and healthy. That doesn’t change on Halloween night.
On Halloween, that one special day, our kids get to be something (or someone) new. They get to play, explore, pretend. So do we! What a treat! Who doesn’t like to do that?
The other side of Halloween … is candy. It took me one Halloween with my oldest son when he was very young to realize that eating candy while trick or treating was not a good plan – at least not for our family. Meltdown, fatigue and sugar overload didn’t go hand in hand with the fun of gallivanting on trick or treat night. Since then, our general rule is no candy eating during trick or treating (maybe one towards the end of the night as the kids are getting older), and only a total of one candy can be eaten that night (after all wrappers are checked for quality/safety control). Our kids don’t even squawk about it. It’s just what we do.
What I find amazing is that within 1-2 days, my kids totally forget about the candy they collected on Halloween night. They love the pile the night of Halloween – that is quite an accomplishment. But they really aren’t interested and don’t seem to have an investment in eating the candy down the road. Whew! Thank goodness!
Halloween is really more about the experience of dressing up, going out with friends and family, checking out costumes and decorations, saying “trick or treat,” and seeing how much candy you can collect. It’s really not about eating the candy. Something to think about.
So, I say enjoy and explore and have the time of your life with your kids. Set boundaries and have conversations, in advance, about when and how much candy can be eaten. And … very important … make sure they have a good solid dinner before going out trick or treating. It makes a huge difference for them. The night goes better. They aren’t eating candy because they are hungry. They have more fun. You have more fun. It’s just a good plan.
In light of the nutrition changes in California, and the awareness that is developing about health, if you would like to receive helpful hints for healthy school lunch ideas, information about free nutrition talks in the area, or if you would like to know how to easily get 17 raw fruits, vegetables and grains into your family every day, feel free to contact me at 800-647-1171 or e-mail me at tracigaffney@alovingway.com.
May you have a safe and happy Halloween!!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Healthy Halloween Neighbors Newspaper, October 2006 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
I don’t know about you, but I sometimes wonder how we manage to shift a wonderful free flowing summer schedule into the crash of August when we hit school along with soccer and the many other sports that come in the fall. And when you have more than one child doing sports, taxi service is in full swing!
Well, I guess we just do it. We adjust and move on. And isn’t that true in most things that we do in life. I think the most important piece, at least from my experience, is being in the moment. I notice that when I show up for soccer practice without thinking of all the many things I could be doing, I actually enjoy it. The most amazing thing is I can tell that my kids notice the difference. They love it when we care about what they are doing. They get to impress us!
Balance is another key to fitting everything in. When you begin to tap into your intuition, which we all have, you start to feel when your plate is full. You won’t say “yes” when your insides are screaming a definite “no.” (How many of us have done that a few times?) It’s okay to know when your plate is full and it’s okay to say so. That allows you the opportunity to do your best at everything you choose to take on. Otherwise, don’t we get overloaded, resentful, tired, and next year we choose not to volunteer or participate at all? Pacing ourselves and knowing when to say no are great skills to have. When we stop long enough to listen to our own inner wisdom, the process of going through life is really very natural and peaceful. We are guided.
And, what about asking for help? If you do take on a project or a committee or something that takes you a little over the top, it’s a great time to learn to delegate. If you are a team mom or dad, split up the tasks and ask for assistance. It’s wonderful when the entire team gets to contribute and no one feels overburdened.
Fitting it all in is possible. Just know what you want to fit in. Don’t forget to make room on your plate for debriefing with your kids after school, helping with homework, and those kinds of tasks. They do take up time and energy, and you want to be “present” for your kids during those blocks of time. Balance your kid time, volunteer time, spouse time, work time, and very important – your “me” time. Assess your priorities, plop those on your plate, and fit in what other activities you would choose and that feel good to you.
Something I’ve learned along the way ….. if you do what brings you joy as often as possible (in work and play), you are much better at what you do. Joy makes such a huge difference. So, create your life. Create what you want as you adjust to school and sports activities. Create your relationships by being present with friends, family and your kids. This is how you create wonderful memories and how you tap into your intuition and inner guidance ~ valuable parts of you that make your life!
Welcome to Fall!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Fitting It All In Neighbors Newspaper, September 2006 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
Well, I don’t know about you, but I have been thoroughly enjoying summer vacation. No early mornings. No rushing off to bed. No homework. No packing lunches. Talk about vacation! I just love the freedom!!
In the days when I was in school, we started back to school in September. It seems like it was mid-September. Then, it was early September. Then, I remember it changed and my oldest son starting going back in late August. Now, we are going back almost mid-August. Hmmm. I guess that means we better enjoy every single minute while we can!! 
Now that we’ve hit August, my oldest son is getting ready to start his senior year in high school, my youngest son is starting second grade, and my daughter (the baby) is starting kindergarten! Wow, how time flies!
Being the night owls that we are, the other night the kids and I walked out into the back yard (I won’t tell you how late it was!) and just marveled at the quiet of the world, the stars that we could see, and the bright full moon that lit everything up. It was so awesome to do that! Robert told me how much he loves being up late because of the quiet and the alone time. I must agree. We are definitely night owls. There are many morning birds in the world too. I just didn’t happen to give birth to any! (ha!)
As we head into school, fall and the changes of a new season, may we all take time to enjoy those last summer moments with our families, the longer days while we have them, smelling the fragrance of flowers and roses, and jumping in the pool “just one more time.”
I hope your summer vacation has been filled with many wonderful memories of friendship, love and “too much fun!”
Have a great August!!
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Fun Lovin’ Summer! Neighbors Newspaper, August 2006 Family Forum Column
Apr 01
When I first moved to Temecula, I was a single parent and that seemed quite rare. Now that I have been here for over two years, I am noticing that there are quite a few families struggling with separation, divorce and co-parenting. Since co-parenting after divorce is something I have done for 15 years, I thought I would share some insights. For those families not dealing with divorce, these tips may help you support your children when they have to deal with other difficult events in their lives.
One of the main struggles in co-parenting is communication. We have to take a relationship that doesn’t seem to work and somehow raise children together within that framework. I can tell you it’s easier said than done, but not impossible.
I have learned that the absolute most important thing is that your children feel loved and that their feelings be acknowledged and valued. If both parents can do this, and also refrain from talking negatively about each other, it is so much easier on the kids. When going through a divorce, sometimes it is difficult to put everything aside and think about what does my child need right now and how can I give that to him/her. If you can do that, though, you will be so ahead of the game. Remember that children have no control over divorce. They need support, empathy, compassion, love, a listening ear, and a relationship with both parents.
One way to support your children is to simply spend some extra quality time with them. Even 10 quality minutes after school or before bed makes such a huge difference. If both parents can make some extra time when they have the children, that would be awesome. It might be a little challenging to come up with that extra time, since each parent is now doing the work of two. However, being creative is so worth it!
Another idea is to have them draw. It is amazing when they have a blank piece of paper and all the colors of the rainbow, what will show up in their drawings. They express what’s going on inside of them on the paper. When they are done, take an interest in what they drew. See if they want to tell you about their story, their picture, maybe the colors they chose. Listen. It all tells the story of what is going on inside of them. You just may get an opportunity to heal some hurts and deepen your bond! Best of all, you have just given your child a huge and powerful gift – love and acceptance!
Remember, when you think of the pain you are feeling, know that your children are experiencing that loss too. Be there for them. Love them. Communicate with them. This will make them feel loved and that everything will be okay.
If you would like additional information on this subject, please feel free to e-mail me at tracigaffney@alovingway.com.
Traci Gaffney 800-647-1171 www.alovingway.com
Co-Parenting Neighbors Newspaper, July 2006 Family Forum Column
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