A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference!

Parents are not perfect, and yet many times I think we hold beliefs that we “should” be. Do your kids a favor and let them know that you know you are not perfect. Otherwise, (1) they are in constant inner conflict, because they don’t believe you; and (2) you set them up to have beliefs that they should be perfect (or pretend to be) when they are parents. Neither of these is healthy.

When you make a mistake, apologize. Yesterday, my two youngest (10 and 13) and I went to Costco. We picked up a pizza to bring home, and planned on watching a great Halloween movie after homework.

My daughter decided she wanted to be in charge of the pizza. She’s our 10 year old. Long story short, she got sidetracked with reading in the backseat, and the pizza ended up on the floor. Ughhhh….

Do you think she probably felt bad enough? Probably. However, I was disappointed, and frustrated, and didn’t handle it very well. Actually, I have a lot more patience, usually, than I had yesterday. I was upset with her, and didn’t have a lot of compassion for how she would already be feeling. Makes me sad just to think about it.

I took some time out for myself. Then I shared with her that I was sorry for how I behaved with her. She was still working through her “stuff” about the whole ordeal, so we didn’t quite get to the warm fuzzies at that point. But, I wanted her to know that I owned my part, and I was sorry for how I handled it. I knew we would visit it again before the night was over.

When I could tell she was in a place to talk, we sat down, and “heart to heart” (important) I shared with her what I was not proud of in myself. I wanted her to know that parents are not perfect, AND it’s a good thing to go back and clean things up. She ended up apologizing for her part as well, in letting go of her responsibility. We hugged. We connected. Friends again.

If we don’t clean up our blunders, we create wounds. This is also how disrespect is created in our children. When they are teens, all of the muck that we didn’t clean up … comes out. Not fun. More on that another time.

If you have something to clean up, make sure you’re heart-to-heart, and it’s okay not to be perfect.

Have a great day!

Blessings,
Traci

[Traci Carman has been a Mom for 23 years. She is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference, and is known for her practical parenting approach. Sign up for the free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.]

I was just reading some blog and forum posts this morning where moms are talking about ignoring their kids in order to elicit better behavior. Hmmm … In these particular posts, we are talking about 3 and 4 years olds. That really makes me sad. I shared what I could there, and I thought I would also post some thoughts here, in case anyone else is struggling with what to do when the kids are acting out.

It’s really …. REALLY …. important to figure out WHY a child is acting out. Is there a new baby in the house? Have you moved? Are there money challenges that are affecting the stress level at home? Have they started pre-school? Did a friend move away? Is dad deployed? Is it a single parent home? There are so many questions that can be asked. The answers will help to uncover where things changed for your child. Why are they doing what they are doing? Do they need MORE attention, not less? (Not that you want to “reward” negative behavior, but you do want them to know that you hear their cry for help.) There is a reason they are acting out.

While you can do things to MAKE your children change their behavior – a lot of times, you are not solving the problem. Do you know when the problem will surface again? In the teen years, if not sooner. Ouch!

You’ve got to invest the time into understanding your child in their early years, or pay back will come with a vigor later on. And, it’s not that they intend to do that. It’s simply that they have hurt feelings, which turns into anger, which gets stuffed down, and HAS to come out at some point in their lives. When a physical wound festers, it gets infected. It’s painful. And it’s harder to resolve. It’s the same with emotional wounds. You don’t want them to fester.

Assume your child is innocent. Learn to communicate with them. You are teaching them that they can trust you. Consider it a brainstorming session. Teach them to understand their feelings, and learn how to express them in an effective way. Their age will dictate how you do this; you can’t get around that. But, ignoring them … that just teaches them that they are alone, they are unlovable (unless they act a certain way), and prevents them from truly knowing who they are. No one is immune from feeling disappointment, sadness, anger, as well as happiness and excitement, etc. We can’t just expect our children to know how to act un-mad when they FEEL mad. Our job in parenting is to help them.

So, ask yourself:
What is my child doing that isn’t working?
Has anything changed recently?
How much time have we been spending together?
Is that different than it used to be?
How can I help? (with love, not anger)

[Traci Carman, A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference. Traci is a parenting coach, speaker and author. For more information, or to schedule a coaching session, contact Traci at 800-647-1171 or tracicarman@alovingway.com. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.]

Kids grow up fast. We think we have 18 years with our kids at home, and we tend to spread our love, energy and time accordingly. However … have you ever noticed that kids start getting a life of their own much sooner than 18 years old? They start wanting to be with their friends and doing their own thing starting years earlier. We don’t really have 18 years with our kids before they move on; we have more like 12.

So, what I would like to share with you today is the value of embracing every stage in the relationship you have with each of your children. If you are at the stage of sleepless nights and changing diapers, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a time in your life when you will actually get some sleep and not be changing diapers any more. If you spend this time wanting that to come faster, you will actually miss this part of the journey. This is a time when asking for support from friends and family is essential, so you can be fully present for your little one.

For those of you who have an active toddler who runs and talks and asks questions and bubbles over with excitement constantly … rejoice! Yes, it can be tiring, and yes it can seem like forever. However … one day that will be gone too, and the innocence and childlike wonder that you see in your child during these years … that will change. Savor it. Find a way to get your tank filled in other ways, so that you can be there to truly enjoy being present as your child explores his/her world in this way.

If you are a parent who is already experiencing a child who prefers time with friends, simply accept that this is where you are in your journey together, and embrace those pockets of time when your child does still want to be with you. They are finding their individuality. It’s not personal. You can support their growth and individuality, while still being close. It is important that you stay very present to your child at this age. You will need to create guidelines and be the “parent,” while still giving them room to spread their wings. It can be a tricky dance. Awareness and being a conscious parent will make all the difference in the world.

If your child has already reached the point where they are off doing their own thing, and you think you missed something in the previous years … stop where you are and breathe. Ask yourself, “How can I be present NOW?”

The whole point of this article is to share that no matter where you are in the journey of raising your children, you always have now, and you always will. Start as early as possible to connect, to appreciate, and to enjoy the blessings and the gifts of each age ~ no matter how challenging that particular age is. Each stage comes with gifts. And, know that it is never too late to connect with your child ~ never.

My oldest son is 20 years old this month … Happy Birthday Anthony! He started breaking away at 12 years old, and at 14 he was fully in gear for separation from mom. I held tightly when needed, and let go when appropriate. There have been times when I missed my “little guy,” and there were times when I was filled with joy that my son was growing into a man. It’s all good. It’s about being human. This is what being a parent is all about.

The good news … at age 20, who do you think Anthony calls when his prized Bearded Dragon has a baby? Mom! Yippee! Oh, the joys of motherhood.

We are here to love our children, to nurture them, walk with them, let them go, and be there at every turn of their journey in life. Sometimes they will need us more than others. The best thing to do in order to savor the journey, and also to create a lasting, deep relationship, is to be present every day, every week, every month. We never stop being a mom/dad. We never stop being the hub that they can call home. We never leave their heart, and they never leave ours.

What can you do today to appreciate your child in their beauty and their challenge? Ask yourself that question every day, and before you know it, when your child is grown (and it comes very quickly), you will realize that you were there for every step of the way, and didn’t miss a thing! Congratulations! This is true parenthood.

Traci Gaffney is an expert on parenting and pregnancy. To sign up for her free parenting newsletter, go to www.alovingway.com. You can contact Traci directly at tracigaffney@alovingway.com or 800-647-1171.

Amazing parenting includes being Authentic. Kids know … they can just feel it … when we are not “real.” Be authentic.

It doesn’t mean that you share adult themes, or become “friends” instead of the parent, or that you ask for permission, or any of that. It simply means that, as the parent, the adult, you are honest, open, and in your heart with your children … authentic.

Share what you share at an age appropriate level.

Listen (very important) to your kids as well.

Amazing parenting creates a great relationship with your kids through communication and authenticity. This is a way to model for them how to have awesome relationships with others in their life!

Enjoy the “Who I Am” Energy Card for today … “I Am Authentic.”

Have a blessed Monday!

Traci L. Gaffney
A Loving Way
www.alovingway.com
800-647-1171

Today, our “Who I Am” Energy Card is … “I Am Inspired.”

How do your kids inspire you? If you’re not being inspired, how can you be? As parents, we get tired. There’s so much to do. Are you getting enough rest? Are you eating well? Do you have “big people” time? What do you need that would create peace and tranquility? When you have that, you are in a better place to be inspired, and to truly enjoy the journey of parenthood.

If you’re feeling challenged, share your challenges with us. Let’s move through the space so that Inspiration, Peace and Harmony can be the qualities that we experience in our homes with our children.

Look for Inspiration ~ all around you ~ today. It can come as a whisper, and often does.

Traci L. Gaffney
A Loving Way
www.alovingway.com
800-647-1171
info@alovingway.com

March 2009 Newsletter

This month’s article is entitled “A Great Parent is a Great Listener.” I hope you enjoy it! http://www.alovingway.com/articles/parent_great_listener.htm

March is a special month for me because it is my birthday month! Yippee!!

Three years ago, five days before my birthday, I lost a very dear person in my life … my mother. She died suddenly and I was devastated. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. It felt as though the umbilical cord of life’s energy had been cut, and I felt every single thing.

My mom had the most beautiful heart and was a wonderful mom and grandma. When March 3rd rolls around each year, my kids and I take some time to talk about “Grandma Pat” and what we miss, what we enjoyed, and how important love and togetherness are.

I was fortunate enough to have the foresight to spend quality time with my mom at every opportunity, because I knew she would one day be gone. Somehow I was gifted with not taking her life for granted. I am so thankful for that gift in my life. We had many cherished moments before she died.

Each of us will eventually be that mom or dad who is leaving our child(ren) behind ~ whether our children are grown or still young.

I suggest asking yourself the following questions, and making whatever adjustments you feel are appropriate …

If I died today, what would I wish I had done with my kids?

What would I wish I had said?

What would I wish I had written for them?

Do they know ~ do they actually HEAR it from me, and EXPERIENCE it from me ~ how much I love them? (In their language of love?)

Do I take time to understand who they are?

Find your curiosity. Learn about this person who has been gifted to you in your parenting life. There is a reason each of your children is in your life. There is a reason you are in theirs.

Take the time today to love them ~ in their way.

Some day they will have to say goodbye to you. Give them the gift of no regrets.

Spend time walking, talking and connecting.

Show them who YOU are so they can share stories about you with their children and grandchildren.

Leave a legacy of love and connection, openness and authenticity, and teach your children how to do the same.

Our children need us to be present for them while we are alive. They need us to connect, to share, to guide, and to listen.

May many blessings be showered upon you and your family.

Namaste’

Traci

Traci Gaffney is a Parenting and Pregnancy Coach, Speaker and Author. She can reached at 800-647-1171 or tracigaffney@alovingway.com. Visit www.alovingway.com today!

Amazing Parenting: I am re-reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Awesome book! I just had to share this piece: “I treat people I love with love because this may be the last day that I can tell you how much I love you. I don’t know if I’m going to see you again, so I don’t want to fight with you.” (page 119)

IF the interaction I am having with my child (and the one you are having with yours) WAS the LAST interaction we’d have with them, how would we be? We can apply this to cleaning bedrooms, doing homework, helping in the kitchen, watching a movie, or simply listening to them share the happenings of their day. It sure makes me get more PRESENT with NOW.

Happy Holidays!

Traci L Gaffney
A Loving Way
A Wellness Advocacy for Children and Parents
800-647-1171
www.alovingway.com

Yesterday it dawned on me how quickly Christmas is sneaking up. Not wanting to be behind the eight ball and stressing about the last minute details, I made a note to myself (a fairly LARGE note) that read, “Christmas gifts Thursday and Friday.” So, when I picked my kids up from their Montessori program yesterday, we went straight to our journey of Christmas shopping. What fun we had! The kids make ornaments for family and friends every year. So, we bought plenty of paint, glue and everything we would need, so we can dive in and begin creating. Once our shopping was done, we decided to go on a Christmas light tour. What a beautiful Christmas evening we had! It was filled with the excitement of the holidays. We didn’t have to spend a lot of money. We thought about others and each other. And we saw beautiful, beautiful light displays. I recommend thinking of things your kids can make for gifts, go buy the supplies, find some lit up neighborhoods, and really enjoy the holidays! Those are the memories that will last a lifetime.

Traci Gaffney
A Loving Way ~ A Wellness Advocacy for Children and Parents
www.alovingway.com
800-647-1171

Amazing parenting during Christmas! When my oldest son Anthony, now 19 years old, was in elementary school, there was a beautiful idea in the newsletter just before Christmas. It was an idea the principal was sharing, and I took it and ran with it. I would love to share that idea with you today.

The idea is “You and Me Kid” cards. Over the years, the process has evolved in our family. This is what I do. I take blank business cards (you can get them at any office supply store) and I print on one side, “You and Me Kid.” I use a nice big font, usually in color, so it is attractive and easy to read.

Then, on the back of each card, I handwrite my gift. The best part is that the gifts are things like hugs, kisses, movie night with mom, favorite dinner, etc. Whatever they enjoy, would like to do with you, and creates connection and quality time moments … those are great gifts to write on the back of these cards. Then you can decorate each card with stickers, dots, colorful drawings, etc.

Take note, though, that there are some ground rules, and age does matter. You will want to communicate with your child and know in advance what your “agreements” are around redeeming the cards. Some children will expect that as soon as they present their card, you will drop everything to be with them. That may work some of the time; yet, not all of the time. If you are working or doing something else that requires your attention, you may need to schedule an “appointment” with your child (again, keep age in mind). Have a conversation and make a deal ahead of time, so there is less chance of disappointment. Let your child know that there will be times when you can be with them right in that moment, and there will also be times when you will need to complete something first. Both are okay. The KEY is that you honor your gift, and you show up when you say you will. (Very important.) Parents get busy, and kids LOVE quality time. If you schedule a time to connect in an hour, be sure to show up in an hour. If it’s a certain time you have scheduled, make sure you show up at that time. Let them know they are important.

The GIFT in these cards … they give your child an opportunity to ask for quality time with you and they give you an opportunity to spend that time with your child. It doesn’t require you to “entertain” your child or “guess” when your child needs you, or put guilt on you that you are not spending enough time with them. It gives them a voice that when their tank is feeling a little empty, they have something they can give you that doesn’t even require words, that will say, “I want to be with you.” Listen to that and honor it. It will create trust, connection and a closeness that cannot be replaced by anything else. My oldest son loved these when he was growing up. I still put them in his stocking.

Thinking of things that your child would enjoy doing with you, and offering them on this special card is like wrapping yourself up with a bow, and saying, “Merry Christmas. I love you.” You are giving YOU, which is the best gift they could ever receive for Christmas or any other day of the year. This is a gift that builds lasting memories and connection. This is amazing parenting.

May you experience much joy, love, and togetherness this holiday season, and connect in ways that are deeply felt by the heart.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

For more information on amazing parenting and pregnancy, visit www.alovingway.com or contact Traci directly at 800-647-1171 or tracigaffney@alovingway.com. Traci Gaffney is a Parenting/Pregnancy Consultant, Coach, Speaker and Author.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” W.C. Fields

We have all heard this quote before. Last year I was in a personal growth course where they said, “Ask six times.” It made me think of this quote, and also caused me to wonder why most people do not ask several times, and why we train our children to stop asking.Think about it for a moment … when your kids ask for something, how many times do you “allow” them to ask before getting upset and annoyed? Is it once, twice, three times? Could it be SIX times? Probably not. We actually teach our children NOT to ask, not to persist, not to persevere to get what they want. I’m not talking about being harassing or making demands. I’m talking about healthy requests, asking for what they want. If you think about it, this is exactly what happened to us. We were told to stop asking.Keeping that in mind, I would ask you to consider to yourself, “How has that served me?” Do you go for a job interview and take the first “no” and stop there? Do you ask your friends or family for what you need and stop asking if you don’t get it the first time? Do you call on an ad to buy something, and if they don’t answer or call you back, do you drop it?Sometimes people get busy. Sometimes people are in a mood. Sometimes the timing is bad. Sometimes there is no reason at all that we get the response (or no response) that we get. If we stop asking, then we give up; we move on. What if we persevered and continued asking for what we want? What if we had that mentality, the thought that it IS okay to keep asking? If you don’t get the job you want, ask again! If you don’t get the return call you’re looking for, call again! Call six times. Ask six times. Be authentic. Be true to you. Be respectful. Keep asking!This is something that we undo in our children. We teach them NOT to ask more than once. “No means no.” Well, sometimes that is true. What if, however, instead of condemning them for asking again, we actually praised them for their persistence and applaud them for their focus, drive, enthusiasm, creativity, flexibility, and passion! In life, we DO need to ask for what we want. And, sometimes we have to ask many times in order to get it. That is SO okay!So, this month, and for the year ahead, let’s make a new rule … asking is a great thing. Smile at your kids, applaud them for their passion and persistence, and still answer with whatever the answer is. No pressure. No anger. Just acceptance of what is. You don’t have to change. And … you may change. The day may bring new information. You never know. Sometimes we can’t give something today, but in two days we would be happy to give that. What if they NEVER asked again? They would learn that they must give up on their dreams, their goals, their passions. We do not want to create that for them. Have you given up on your dreams, goals and passions?So, smile and be GRATEFUL that your children have the spunk to ask, ask, and ask again. They are learning to be creative, persistent, focused, and they are learning that it is absolutely okay to dream AND okay to not get everything right now. There are many wonderful lessons to learn in this experience.I challenge YOU to begin ASKING SIX TIMES for the things YOU want. Reignite your dreams, your visions, your passions. ASK AGAIN! Doors are opening all the time!

Remember … “The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.” Vince Lombardi

Traci Gaffney has three children, is a parenting coach, speaker and author, and is the Founder of A Loving Way, a Wellness Advocacy for Children and Parents (www.alovingway.com). She can be reached at 800-647-1171or tracigaffney@alovingway.com.